The Dreaded Oscar Blog of 2013

No, I realize everyone does these and you're probably sick of them. I spent 3 plus hours of my life being reminded why I don't watch the Oscars ever, so I'm going to write it anyway. (Just to explain: I was suckered in by Seth MacFarlane hosting and curiosity over what he was going to do with the very staid, very boring institution that is THE AWARDS SHOW. I mean, I love canned, awkward presenting that just makes you feel vaguely uncomfortable instead of entertained. Alright, all that being said, here's some thoughts on this years ceremony from an admitted Oscars hater.

1. Seth MacFarlane is freaking adorable. I said it. I am a woman and I thought it was awesome. Apparently social media doesn't agree with me, but really have you seen some of the things social media does like? I'm okay with that. I'm also not entirely sure what people were expecting, but he went out and was himself. Unpolitically correct jokes, songs about boobs and all.

Let's talk about the major un-pc joke of the night for a second, shall we? Yes, I'm talking about the Chris Brown and Rihanna one. Everyone was up in such an uproar. You just don't say that. That's absolutely inappropriate. (Spoiler alert: Blogger inserts serious point here.) I love that he made this joke. Not because it was funny, it wasn't particularly. (The audience reaction was hysterical though.) I love that he made it, because it's not something you say. No one ever says anything. The "it's her life, she can live it how she wants" thing. Someone needs to say something. It's okay to say that giving a clearly still violent man "another chance" after putting you in the hospital is not okay. This is a case of comedy doing it's job and pointing out how messed up a situation is when no one else is willing to open their mouth. (And serious point done.)

2. Actor plays one of the great presidents in Spielberg movies, wins Best Actor. Shock and amazement all around. His acceptance speech was good, but he didn't deserve this one in my opinion. There was so much depth in some of the other performances that just wasn't there in his Lincoln I don't think. This was what's wrong with the Oscars and why I don't think they have as much merit as the Academy would like to think they do.

3. Speaking of gimmie awards: Adele. My exact quote on her winning what should have gone to "Before My Time" or "Suddenly" was: "Oh, yeah, I forgot Adele was nominated for an award, so she automatically wins." I like Adele. I just don't think she's the end all, be all of music that everyone else seems to think she is. At least she wore a far better dress than she wore to the Grammies.

4. Hugh Jackman is the nicest guy ever. From the shining pride on his face for Anne Hathaway winning to being the only single person who got up to help Jennifer Lawrence up after she tripped on her way to accept her award, he won for classiest act of the entire night.

5. Best moment of the night: Les Miserables. Yeah, that just stands alone. I'm that girl who thought that movie should have taken every single award, even the ones it wasn't nominated for. (Even though I'm totally alright with Argo winning, it just doesn't have my heart in the same way.)

So, three and half/almost four hours of my life and this is all that was worthy of comment really (aside from fashion choices, but I won't bore you with thoughts on those aside from how 'bout that bib and nipple get up on Anne Hathaway?) Reminder to self: This is why you don't watch the Oscars. Thank you and good night.

^Also, the song that should have won over Adele.

B-Rated Horror Review: Sand Sharks

So, periodically I make my husband watch terrible movies with me. It's not because I can't watch them on my own, but because it is infinitely more fun to watch them with someone. Given some of the movies we've watched, it's a miracle we're still together and he actually married me.

Which brings us to last night's choice:

Sand Sharks (2011)

The first thing I would like to draw your attention to is the poster. Which is Sharks meets Tremors meets Piranha 3-D. Just in case you hadn't noticed that on your own.

Anyway, the movie: Takes place on an island that is suffering from hard economic times and lack of tourists despite being absolutely idyllic to look at. Turns out this is because of a party that douche-y main male character threw some years back that resulted in mass shark attacks and the death of the sheriff's wife and child (all of which is addressed for about thirty seconds of screen time). Yadda, yadda, yadda. Same douche-y main male character comes back to the island with the mob on his tail wanting to throw another Spring Break party to revive the economy. Oh yeah, and his father is the mayor so plan gets approved. There's a problem though. SAND SHARKS. Yes, prehistoric era "dinosharks" that can move through the sand like water. Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

So some random thoughts on this movie:

Sand Sharks is supposed to be comedic. Which is a bit of a mixed bag in all honesty. Sometimes it makes for something cheesy and great and sometimes it makes for something even worse than if they had been serious. This one really does hit about middle of the road with that. Being a comedy, the need to throw in the cliche characters for two minutes of screen time before the shark eats them is either funny (read: the hillbillies out in a boat hunting the shark) or annoying (read: the snooty girl and her boyfriend on the beach fighting).

It also stars Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk Hogan (in case you had no idea), as a marine biologist. Really, she's the biggest actress of note here. Her acting skills... Well, let's just say that instead of going into acting, she probably should had followed her dad into the WWE. That's about where they are. Plus she kind of has linebacker shoulders so she already looks like a WWE Diva.

My husband's favorite part of the movie was the "scientific" description of how the sharks move through sand. "They're scales create a hydrogliding effect in sand." (Approximate quote.) Yeah, that's all you get for explanation. Which is funny, because sand sharks are a real thing. Not gigantic dino ones that eat people, but tiny ones are real and live in Florida. It seems like it wouldn't be that hard to do the research to find out how they move through the sand.

My favorite part is when Brooke and the sheriff are stuck on a rock surrounded by sharks with no way out. Cut to scene with someone else who goes to the sheriff's office and there they are. "I thought you were stuck." "We were, now we're not." Entire conflict resolution right there.

So to tie up this whole thing that is probably way longer than it needed to be for this particular movie:

It was alright. I think even when you're making parody movies, there's no excuse to be just plain lazy as a filmmaker, but it does have a high death count and it is over the top ridiculous. It's worth your time if this kind of movie is your thing, but it's not going to do anything to convert you if it's not.

Also, there's this guy named Earl, who does not have any kind of YouTube video to demonstrate how awesome he is, but, yeah, look for him. He was my favorite character.

Valentine's List (the Romantic Side)

So, in case you hadn't noticed Hearts and Hooves Day...er...*start over*...

So, in case you hadn't noticed Valentine's Day is in two days. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Right? No, not right? Well, don't worry, stay tuned for the anti Valentine's list coming tomorrow. Promise.

In the meantime, for those of you that maybe need a little inspiration (or are just figuring out what to watch right now), here is a list of my favorite romantic movies of all time:

1. Across the Universe (2007)

So, just an fyi, I love the Beatles. Like obsessively love them. This movie is nothing short of the most amazing piece of cinematic art in musical form to ever be made. Plus, it has Bono as Ken Kesey and Eddie Izzard as Timothy Leary. You really can't go wrong even if it's only ten minutes of the movie.

2. Natural Born Killers (1994)

How much I identify with this movie might scare people so I'm just going to say that it may or may not be true that my husband and I have Mickey and Mallory's ying-yangs tattooed on our arms. And we may or may not be looking for a Mickey and Mallory cake topper for when we renew our vows and do the big ceremony/reception wedding.

3. Return of the Living Dead III (1993)

This is more a nostalgia thing, but I am not even kidding when I say that through my teenage years I thought this was the most romantic movie of all time. *Spoiler if it matters* Boy loves girl so much he turns her into a flesh eating zombie and then they both die a blaze of fire at the end. What is a greater sign of love than that? Seriously? Come to think of it, I still think it's pretty damn romantic.

4. Sabrina (1954)

I am an Audrey girl from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I love everything about her. I am also a Humphrey Bogart girl. (Come to think of it, this might be where my love gruff men lacking tact might have come from.) So, this movie is perfect. It's a realistic fairy tale of the highest degree.

5. Lady and the Tramp (1955)

This is one of those movies that if it doesn't touch your heart at least a little bit, you might not have one. It's West Side Story with dogs and less singing and dancing. Not to say that there aren't some of the best songs in a Disney movie ever in here.

That's just the top five. Believe it or not, I'm a huge romantic even if I don't go in for the modern "rom-com" set up very often. At least, I'm not going to put on the internet that I do.

Oh, and here's a song for that whole Pony thing if you got excited by that:

Oz-n't It Wonderful?

So, tomorrow marks the one month countdown until Oz, The Great and Powerful hits theaters.

I have not been this excited for a movie since........*thinks for a couple minutes*.................possibly ever. Being completely honest, I am (and always have been) an Oz freak. The best Christmas gift my husband ever got me was the numbered box set for the 70th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz. The plastic with the numbered limited edition had to be taken off after it got too damaged in a fire, but still, it's amazing.

Here's the breakdown of my favorite Oz things:

The Wizard of Oz (the movie):

There are few phrases more obnoxious than "timeless classic", because it's overused to death. It really does apply in this case though. When I was tiny sized, I distinctly remember the excitement of the once a year showing of Oz. It was an event before everyone had video and dvd of it and could watch it whenever they wanted. There is something that brings back the magic and wide eyed wonder of being a child for me every time I watch it to this day (more than once a year now, granted).

The Complete Oz Book series:

I distinctly remember that I was in the 6th grade when I read all 14 books in the course of maybe a month. It was one of those cases where a series of books managed to make an escape from my life and everything that was wrong in it: recently moved, few friends, divorcing parents, general preteen angst. I think I may actually reread them all before the release of the new movie, just because I haven't in so long.

Return to Oz:

I have vague memories of watching this as a kid, but honestly they're not very vivid. When I was in my early 20's though, some friends and I rented it and watched it. It's dark and it's kind of screwed up. Any movie that starts with Dorothy getting electro shock therapy can't be all bad, even if it seems odd that it was aimed at kids. As an adult, you see everything that as a kid you probably would have missed. Also, the Wheelers were pretty much completely terrifying. That's the one thing I remember from being tiny. (Even if you're not a huge fan of the Land of Oz, it's worth watching just for the tiny Fairuza Balk.)

Wicked (the book):

I am the kind of person that is drawn to the villain in all ways and this book was truly amazing for making a sympathetic portrait of a character that in all honesty had always been pretty one sided as "evil". Which since we're talking about what's basically a fairy tale was alright, but it was interesting to see the human side of her. I have yet to read the sequel or see the musical (the latter of which is a huge hole in my life), so I can't say much on them unfortunately.

I've seen that there's some mixed expectations for this newest Oz movie, mostly revolving around not liking James Franco as an actor. I, on the other hand, have nothing but high expectations. At the very least it looks pretty and it looks like it was crafted with love for the Land of Oz. If Disney took the same care with this beloved franchise that they did with the Muppets, I don't think we have anything to worry about. So, here's to a month of bated breath and hoping.

I leave you with a picture of my very favorite collectible Oz thing I own, because who doesn't love Pez dispensers?

Argh, a Pirate Blog

(Disclaimer: That is really the best I could come up with to name this. Don't judge me.)

To say I have an obsessive love all things pirate is more than a bit of an understatement.
There are two reasons for this.
First: Let's face it, pirate lore and mythology taps into so many great human aspirations and emotions. Most of us are bogged down by day to day life, making ends meet and getting by. Pirates signify our hopes for freedom to seek our dreams (treasure) and go where the wind may take us.
Second: They're sexy as long as you don't have to smell them.
All that being said, here are some of my favorite pirate-y things.

Pirates of the Caribbean.

Alright, so I understand that I went with perhaps the most obvious first, but bear with me. Here's the thing with Pirates of the Caribbean, first and foremost it's a fantastically entertaining movie. It's silly, yes, but it's also a great adventure film. The sequels definitely start to suffer from lack of quality storytelling, but it's always entertaining.

Pirate Pin Up Art

To put it simply, I love pin up everything (almost). Especially when applied to traditional pin up art, pirates make for some of my very favorite images of all time.

Monkey Island game franchise.

Oh, Monkey Island. If you have never played this adventure game, I genuinely feel like you are missing out. It's funny. It's hard enough to keep you interested, It's not so hard that you want to throw your computer through a window. Seriously, it's a good time and a good way to spend a couple hours, possibly days if you play the whole series through in one sitting.

Cutthroat Island

Take a pirate movie and give it to the director of Die Hard 2 and cast Gina Davis as the bad ass female pirate captain (in a world that actually questions that), add a good dose of extra cheese and overacting, and you get the wonder that is Cutthroat Island. I can understand how you would read this and think it would be awful. Maybe you did think it was awful and that I'm crazy for having it on this list. I really love it though. It's by far not a great piece of art, but seriously, find me something pirate related that is. Gina is hot and there's a charismatic monkey. I'm satisfied.

The Best Damn Drinking Music Ever

Seriously, if you don't like listening to pirate shantys while drinking, there is something inherently wrong with you. From Captain Bogg and Salty (pre-Jake and the Neverland Pirate days) to the Rogue's Gallery album "curated" by Gore Verbinski, it's just a rollicking good time for all. Except maybe your neighbors, but it's not like you really like them anyway.

Note: Later this year the sequel to Rogue's Gallery is coming out "curated" by Johnny Depp. It looks to be a step up from the first one even with the presence of Tom Waits, Iggy Pop and others. So, yeah, look for that.

Muppet Treasure Island

Muppets!

Tim Curry as Long John Silver!

I really feel no more explanation is needed as to why this is the single most awesome pirate thing of all time. ALL TIME.

Captain Hook (Once Upon a Time)

Once Upon a Time (heh, get it?) I thought there couldn't be a hotter pirate than Jack Sparrow. I am one of those. And then Hook showed up in the second season of Once Upon a Time. And that changed. Eye candy for days and days and days. Sigh.

And so concludes this list. Think I missed anything or I was way off the mark having something on here? Tell me so in the comments. ;)